Rats: Night of Terror (1984)

Bruno Mattei and Claudio Fragasso. Two names that strike fear, joy or a combination of both into the hearts of all Italian horror nuts. These men were responsible for some truly horrifying titles, including Fragasso’s infamous solo effort Troll 2 (1990). For me, the Mattei/Fragasso stamp is a sign that a movie will be a guaranteed good time with lots of laughs and even more shaking of the head. And there is no film better than their masterwork of stupidity that is Rats: Night of Terror…

In the year 225 A.B. (After the Bomb), a group of post-apocalyptic bikers discover an abandoned research laboratory filled with food, water… and thousands of rats. But these are no ordinary vermin, these are super intelligent mutant rodents with a ravenous appetite for human flesh. Can a bunch of heavily armed but not-too-bright human scavengers survive a night of terror against the most hungry and horrific predators on earth?

The answer, of course, is not bloody likely.

One of the stars of Rats: Night of Terror

I’m not going to spend long discussing Rats: Night of Terror. It is exploitation perfection with all your b-movie needs fulfilled tenfold. You want stupid, stupid characters with stupid, stupid names like “Video”? You got it! You want gooey gore? You got it! You want lots of rambling idiots talking over each other? You got it! You want characters making jokes that make no sense yet other characters respond by laughing wildly? Yes, you fuckin’ got it! And most importantly, you have rats… so many rats… swarms of harmless looking rats that manage to inexplicably pick off our unlikeable idiot heroes one by one.

The awesomely rubbish hero

Best of all is the hilarious dialogue. There are some real keepers here that you’ll be quoting long after the end credits. Here’s a handful of examples…

A great pep talk from the hero: We must explore this shitty place.

An idiot biker looks at a rat sitting innocently on a bar, he says: Hey! Look at the customer I’ve got! He’s come up to the bar and he wants someone to serve him a drink.
Idiot biker’s pal: No trouble! One beer coming up!
Idiot biker throws beer at rat knocking it off bar.

Here’s a great urine themed rant from the film’s villain: Rats that can smell different kinds of urine? I never heard such shit! Whoever wrote that book is writing for assholes as gullible as you are! [laughs hysterically for at least thirty seconds] You ever heard anything so stupid before? I suppose because you’ve all peed your pants with fright, the rats know who you are! [laughs for another thirty seconds]

Words of wisdom: If you must copulate, why don’t you go outside and do it?

A terrifying threat aimed towards some rats: I’m gonna warm their whiskers.

Rats just wanna have fun

I thought I’d finish this article by sharing my absolute favourite moment from Rats: Night of Terror. Below is a clip featuring some fabulously bad acting. From the hilarious line delivery to the open mouth silent screams, this is one for the bad movie history books. Please enjoy. And please, if you’ve yet to see Rats: Night of Terror, order it now and feel your life become complete.