European ApocalypseIt’s been over a year since Jess Franco died. It still makes me a little sad to think we’ll never see a new Franco film. But with over 200 credits to his name, I don’t think I’ll ever get through the body of work he left behind. And speaking of behinds…

original title: El ojete de Lulú
Spain, 1986, Jess Franco

Lulu’s Talking Ass (or Lulu’s Brown Eye as the original title translates) takes the talking pussy framework of Le Sexe qui parle (1975), but moves the Look Who’s Talking abilities a few centimetres next door. Lina Romay (credited here as Lulu Laverne) – Franco’s sultry life partner who passed away not long before his own death – is Lulu, a promiscuous young sexpot who seems to do nothing but have orgies and pose for sexy photographs. Lulu’s dialogue is mostly limited to moans of ecstasy. Her asshole takes up the task of communicating to the audience.

Lulu’s talking anus tells us of her woes. She never gets any attention. Her comrade and neighbour, Lulu’s spoilt pussy, is constantly licked, fingered and fucked, while Lulu’s brown eye is ignored. Lulu’s anus tells us she’s not selfish, nor greedy; she just wants to be touched and fondled every now and then. That’s fair, right?

Lulu’s Talking Ass consists mostly of lengthy sex scenes that end with three-way french kisses. Lulu’s chatty butthole provides a commentary over the fucking. Cut between the sex scenes are close up shots of Romay’s butthole wavering awkwardly in front of the lens delivering lengthy monologues, squelching in and out, and occasionally smoking cigarettes.

After much lamentation, a lesbian lover of Lulu, Rosalinda (Mabel Escaño), finally pays a little lip and finger service to the brutally ignored bum bum. The excited narration as Rosalinda pushes her digits in and out of the neglected orifice is quite hysterical. I’ve never really known Jess Franco for his [intentional] humour, but Lulu’s Talking Ass is genuinely funny.

To Lulu’s ass’s delight, Rosalinda’s buttplay encourages Lulu to finally start fiddling about with her backdoor during private moments of masturbation. (That’s probably the weirdest sentence I’ve written for this site.) Lulu’s masturbation culminates in the film’s best scene: Lulu masturbates with an Oscar statuette, shoving it right up her stoked bum. It is an insane moment and shows a delightfully cheeky side to Jess Franco.

Lulu’s Talking Ass is fucking ridiculous. Jess Franco has made a lot of mad films, and while this isn’t the maddest, it’s not far off. At seventy minutes, the joke wears a little thin, and, as a porno, it’s nothing special with its sex scenes mostly consisting of limp dicks being tugged at. But the presence of the glorious Lina Romay is enough to fill the void. I’d imagine fellow Franco fans will get a huge kick out of this lunacy. As an added bonus, I’m pretty sure (but I could be wrong) I recognised the voice of an uncredited Jess Franco as the voice of Lina Romay’s pussy. Wow, what a headfuck!


Lulu’s Talking Ass sadly does not have a legitimate DVD release with subtitles. It can be purchased in bootleg format from Twisted Danger, and excellent fan subtitles by Jujyfruits can be found lurking about on the internet.