COOL FOR CATS
1992, dir: Liam Dale

Cool For Cats is neither cool nor for cats.

I am fully aware that this column is supposed to be about teen movies from the 1980s. And, most importantly, ones from my vast and dust-lined collection in my garage. But on Sunday I was wandering around a country market, pretending to look like (for the benefit of nobody really, other than the judgmental hipsters I imagine are looking over my shoulder) I was out for some rare vintage furniture, first print books or vinyl records by that guy who used to be considered lame in his day but it turns out he’s a musical genius. Obviously I was just there to check out the grimy old VHS tapes. Obviously.

There were few gems that day though. I was impressed by an awesome Nintendo Gun, a spaghetti western with a cool cover and an Italian title, a framed poster of Ghoulies and a tape of the lost Al Pacino masterpiece, Cruising.

Then out of the corner of my eye, I spied a copy of Cool For Cats. Apparently this is a movie for cats to watch that features “…views, sights and sounds to exercise cat’s mind and awaken dormant hunting instincts, bringing him a new medium of enormous pleasure”, whatever the hell that means. I mean first of all, why do I want to awaken my cat’s hunting instincts? Surely it’s a good thing that those instincts lay dormant, like you know, proof that your cat is tame. Also, what’s with the gender bias? I’m no P.C. thug, but my cat is a lady cat. Will this video be ineffective for her? Is it only aimed at male cats? But the most important question raised by the blurb on this video is, how is a video for cats “revolutionary”? Does it contain hidden subliminal feline messages that will make my cat want to storm the Bastille? Is it technology so good that it will make my cat into some kind of super cat?

 

Del, not impressed by Cool for Cats

Of course I bought this video, went home and tried to get my cat to watch it. My cat’s name is Del. Del is short for Deltina, the name her previous owner gave her. Apparently Deltina is an amalgam of said owner’s favourite two female singers’ first names. Delta? Tina? Anyway, she answers to Del, so that’s what I call her.

So what was it like you ask? Was it played at a visual and aural frequency that only cats could comprehend? Did it have subliminal messages? Was it Revolutionary? Ummmm no. What followed a short spiel by Peter Neville, Feline Behaviour Therapist, was a series of short clips of things that cats like, such as birds, mice, fish, balls/toys on string being moved, and frogs. Oh, and out of sync sounds of wildlife and cats purring and the such playing over it. I couldn’t decide if I was watching a joke at the expense of all doting cat owners stupid enough to buy this video, or the world’s worst arthouse film.

One thing is for sure, Del was not impressed. She paced about, clawed to couch, repeatedly walked up to the door and meowed. She didn’t care that the TV was on, no less a movie made specifically for cats was playing, she just wanted me to let her out of the lounge room so she could go be anywhere else.

This movie didn’t manage to awaken the dormant hunting instinct in my cat, but it did give her the chance to figure out how to open the lounge room door all by herself, using her nose.

Some of the other clips included in Cool For Cats were dogs, cats licking each other and a blue dot moving around a white screen. Most cats I have encountered hate dogs, loathe other cats and have never expressed interest in moving blue dots. Furthermore, the clips are very short and disjointed, moving quickly from one pointless, camcorder shot piece of wildlife footage to the next. I don’t understand how anyone could possibly think a cat would like this, unless of course the video melted in your VCR and somehow emitted a noxious, fish-like odour in the process. Also they missed out the most universal of sounds a cat likes, the shaking of a dried food box.

So, abandoned by my cat I watched Cool For Cats to the end. Admittedly, I won’t look back on this hour as a high point in my life, but still it led me to ponder the big questions, the biggest being if, like the video cover says, that this movie is for cats left at home alone, how come it only goes for an hour? Surely a cat can get by for an hour while you’re out. Also, being that it is on video, there isn’t the option to leave it on a loop. Maybe if when the video ended it rewound and went back to the start and replayed it could kind of loop in a rudimentary fashion, but after the movie ends, you get a black screen that goes on for who-knows-how-long. So not really loop-able.

I guess this movie can be considered a four paws down. That’s a cat joke, get it? I will, however, stand corrected and strike my awful feline humour from the record if my cat happens to end up murdering a third world dictator and/or inciting social upheaval in some way that is able to be proven.

I think I have learnt my lesson and will go back to reviewing teen movies. But at least there was one shining moment in this movie. Though hardly worth the wasted time and fast-forward finger muscles, here is the best bit from Cool For Cats…