The Substitute (1996)

The Substitute seems to be a pretty widely seen film based on its multitude of ratings on IMDB. Yet somehow, even though it’s right up my alley, I’d never heard of it or its sequels until Mondo Exploito’s Matthew Revert came along and made my life a whole lot better. Matt and I recently conducted a long-planned and epic film swap. I gave Matt a near endless supply of filthy trash, while Matt gave me a mountain of goodness made mostly of quality Czech films. I feel that Matt probably got the raw end of the deal. Anyway, being the cheese-loving buffoon that I am, out of all this great stuff, I was most excited about digging my fangs into Matt’s DVD set of The Substitute and its three sequels that was hidden amongst the Criterion and Second Run discs.

 

THE SUBSTITUTE
USA, 1996, Robert Mandel

I suppose The Substitute is a little too commercial and accessible to be making an appearance on Mondo Exploito. Chances are, dear reader, that you’ve already seen it or at least heard of it. But I’m afraid you’re going to have to allow me to indulge myself as this one had me well and truly squealing with glee. You can probably guess what the story of The Substitute is based on its poster, tagline and the fact that it was made in 1996. This specific action-thriller sub-genre of bad-ass man/woman posing as teacher fixes dangerous “urban” school ran rampant in the 90s. (Hell, I suppose even the Sister Act movies come under the banner – only without the action and thrills.) The Substitute is, without a doubt, the cream of the crop. The substitute in question is John Shale (Tom Berenger) – ex-marine and currently a mercenary working with his own gang of guffawing tough guys. Returning from a mission, Shale visits his on-and-off gal pal, Jane (Diane Venora). Jane is a teacher at the comically bad-to-the-bone Columbus High School. She runs afoul of drug dealing bad boy Juan (Marc Anthony – yes, that Marc Anthony) and winds up with a broken kneecap. Shale haphazardly decides to pose as Jane’s substitute and take down the drug ring operating out of Columbus High School.

The Substitute‘s predictability is part of its charm. You know as soon as Shale starts teaching his class of rowdy kids that, at some point, he’s going to wind up caring about them and teaching stuff, and they will in turn learn to respect him. You also know the moment Ernie Hudson appears as the school’s principal that he’s a villain. It’s amazing. I don’t now how movies like this do it, but honestly, from the first shot of Hudson’s stupid mug, the scum bag alarm goes off. A bulk of the enjoyability of movies in this sub-genre comes from their formulaic structure and narrative motifs, but the success of their execution rides on the central “substitute” character. The Substitute‘s John Shale is one of the best. Played to wooden perfection by Tom Berenger, Shale is everything you’d hope for as he dishes out lessons about Vietnam, throws people out of windows and beats up minors. Now there are worse actors out there than Berenger, but no one could accuse his performance here as anything but awful. And by awful, I mean awesome! Just check out Berenger’s brilliant Arnie impersonation:

Not only do we have Berenger dishing out the yuks, we also have the aforementioned Ernie Hudson proudly stomping around school hallways and sucking down icypoles. I’ve always thought of Hudson as a wonderfully bad actor, and The Substitute has not altered my opinion. In fact, this could well be his most hamtastic roles. In addition to Hudson, we also get the silly faces of Diane Venora, Marc Anthony and Luis Guzmán. The producers perhaps thought that Guzmán was too good for this movie, and thus his screen time is sadly limited. But the presence of cultural relic Marc Anthony help stomach the Guzmán withdrawals. Best of all is the great (and oddly skinny) William Forsythe as a crazy mercenary. I love Forsythe in these kind of roles and, while he’s barely in the movie, he gives us many memorable moments in The Substitute. His mini-monologue towards the end of the film is pure Forsythe brilliance (spoilers):

Like most films in the sub-genre, The Substitute is quite offensive. The movie essentially portrays the “great white hope”, in the form of Berenger, appearing in an “urban environment” to make everything better. But The Substitute scores extra points for having a side character actually point out this underlying racism! I’m not sure if this was a conscious little wink on the part of the writers – with previous writing credits on the excellent Street Trash, it wouldn’t surprise me – but I appreciated it nonetheless. It’s these absurd details that elevate The Substitute to something special. This has to be the only action-thriller I’ve seen where the protagonist makes a bad guy shit himself. I kid you not (I rewound this about five times and still it makes me scream with laughter):

When it comes down to it, The Substitute is simply solid fun – a type of fun that could only be delivered in the mid-90s. The 80s and 90s were prime time for action. This was a time without irony, a time that produced bad-ass heroes and effects free from the shackles of CGI. These were films where the protagonist was allowed to shoot the shit out of the bad guys without any moral conflict, legal repercussions or even an acknowledgement that a life had just ended. Well, that last part isn’t true – the hero would usually deliver an awesome one-liner to the dead or soon-to-be-dead villain. I don’t think it’s just nostalgia talking here, two decades ago, action was genuinely better. The Substitute is the evidence.